by Harry Azcrak
Keeping employees motivated to work has been an age-old battle, but what if it's you that lives by the motto "Procrastinators Unite Tomorrow"? What then?
Dumbfounded was one local businesswoman. She could not figure out why her sales were down until she put her damn phone down.
In an interview, Wednesday, Ruthie Sudsalot, proprietress of a wedgie said, "I don't know what happened. One moment I was doing great and the next thing I knew I couldn't beat that damn CandyCrush level! Giving up on CandyCrush I would turn to Facebook. I guess I got sucked in and was becoming just like my teenage children. My husband was definitely getting sick and tired of having to pick up my slack. He threatened to stop buying me rum. After some pouting, I reluctantly put my phone down. Who knew with all that extra time on my hands I could be productive? Now, leave me the fuck alone! I'm in a groove!"
Even though she was rude and had a mouth like a sailor, I stuck around and watched her dance around in her lab (aka kitchen - she just calls it the lab to make her feel more professional) while an eclectic variety of music played in the background. Van Morrison, The Cure, Eddie Cantor, Eric Hutchinson and more. She seemed happy. Almost like she was in her "soapy place". The benefits of her finally removing her head from her ass are that her shelves are filling back up at Jackass Charm Corner Store located at 228 N. Benton St, Woodstock, IL, and her sales are up.
1. Scurf Eraser, a salt scrub for the scalp or body, $10
2. Kippy Kisser, a sugar lip scrub made with coffee-infused Almond oil and other shit, $4
3. Ursa Minor, a beard oil, $15 (available 6/21)
4. Perfect Head On A Submarine Refill, a liquid foaming soap that keeps your knees clean, $15
5. Drink More Water Lip Balm, an oversized tube that looks great in your pocket and actually works, Unscented and Spearmint, $5
6. Smell My Head, the best hair oil E V E R and it smells amazing, $10 (Available maybe next week; that's if Ruthie can keep her head out of her ass)
About Harry Azcrak: No, my ass is not hairy; I wax and yes, I know my ass has a crack in it. My mother told me already. I am a fictitious reporter whose goal in this fake life is to make Ruthie look like an irresponsible person. Did you find any typos or gramatical errors? Take it up with my imaginary editor.