I told myself I wouldn't do it ever again. I swore to it in front of family and friends. I won't lie; I feel like a failure for not sticking to my guns.
I bloody buckled and got us a dog. Ok. He's not just a dog; he's a smoochy poochy!!!!
Meet Wagner Sudsalot!
One look into those sweet brown eyes and my heart melted. I swear, he's the only one that likes me in this house. Wanger has inspired an accute desire to provide the very best because he just might appreciate it. While strolling through the aisles of a brand name pet store (that shall remained unamed) in search of the perfect food, the perfect leash, the perfect bed, the perfect toy did I eventually land in the shampoo aisle.
An example of a toy that just might be perfect, depending on the person. This is Wagner's first bone(r). I swear it didn't look suspicous in the packaging! Now I have to hide it when guests come over.
Once I was finished exhausting myself by squeezing Wanger's new bone (it crunches!), I started trolling the ingredients of the shampoos; please don't judge me. Holding these bottles brought back slippery memories of my pathetic attempts to shampoo our previous 4 legged pals, Koda and Rusty. These huskies may have crossed the rainbow bridge, but they have left an indelible mark on our hearts (and our back door). It must have been a humorous sight for the neighbors to witness. I wish I had video clips of my game of Twister otherwise known as - "bathing a dog outside".
I remember it like it was last summer. No, seriously. Summer was the only time I was comfortable giving those furry beasts a good scrub down. There was no way I was going to subject my house drains to that amount of fur. Now clearly, only one dog could give me a "twister ass whooping" at a time.
What's A Twister Ass-Whooping?
Human: Attempt to show dominance to dog by standing on the dog's lead (already attached to dog's collar) to reduce wiggle room with the water hose in one hand and the other hand wrapped around dog collar (still around dog's neck).
Dog: Awkwardly twist human's hand that is death griping collar while human is still trying to stand on lead and drench dog with hose.
Human: Convinced the battle is won due to sustained death grip & fully saturated dog! Time to commence one handed soap application - drop hose, grab shampoo bottle, open bottle, squeeze. This is when the game of twister begins, but without the game board. Shit! The bottle of shampoo slips out of hand and is now just out of reach. Since one foot is on the lead and one hand is being mangled by the death grip, the only option with the widest range of reach is the other leg/foot to retrieve the damn soap back within hand reach.
Dog: Ha! The human's off balance, I shall now lunge in the opposite direction and collect my twister ass whooping trophy as I watch my human fall on their ass.
This twister ass whooping I have received in the past has inspired me to conquer dog shampoo and try to make it better. Granted Wagner is only 30 lbs. and much smaller than Koda and Rusty, however, what if there was a way for me to make a truely all-natural bar soap on a rope or preloaded mitt to turn the Twister Whoop Ass ratio in the human's favor regardless of the size of dog?
What to put in it?
At the time, I really didn't pay attention to the ingredients in any product I purchased for those furry beasts. If I liked how it smelled and if it claimed it would make Fido's coat shiny and soft, I was sold. Yes, I was ignorant, but no more. This opinion is now changing with the more research I do into making a high quality doggy shampoo bar.
Well, gosh golly gee whiz! It must be easy to make one! Go ahead and Google "dog shampoo". A shit ton of results pop up, however, the question I pose to you is ...."Is everything for sale on Google appropriate for use?" As far as Fido goes, PH (potential of hydrogen) is the controversy and dilemma. A dog's ph is not standard across the board. It varies from 6.5 - 7.5 depending on breed, age, & sex. Here is the controversy - the ph of soap* cannot be lower than 8. If one was to add an acid to lower the ph it would neutralize the sodium hydroxide leaving an oily mess. Here is the dilemma - a dog's epidermis layer is thinner than a human's. Its ability to recover from a ph change, acidic or alkaline, takes longer and makes them more susceptible to yeast, bacteria, & sensitivity.
* Soap is the official name of the chemical reaction between sodium or potassium hydroxide and oils/fats aka lipids. This does not include detergents or cleansing bars.
So, why am I finding bar soap for dogs all over the internet? I don't know (yeah, yeah, yeah, a very elaborate answer), but my respect for ph and my dedication to a truly all-natural Fido product is pushing me in a non-sudsing truly all-natural cleansing cream direction which will take further research and time. I'll keep you posted.
For now, Fido will continue to dominate the Twister Whoop Ass ratio at the Sudsalot estate ....for now.
To make up for my shortcomings to my fellow Fido lovers, I will be shmoozing all my Fido friends with homemade doggy biscuits at all Jackass Charm Soap outdoor markets & pop-up shops starting May 27 at the Nettelhorst French Market in Chicago. We've already done the whole testing on animals thing and.....they LOVE them!
Darn it! You can't make it to any of our markets or pop-up shops? That's ok. Here is the recipe!!! It's incredibly easy to make, even a 7 year old can do it.
Wagner's Pumpkin-Peanut Butter Biscuits
- 1 cup pumpkin puree
- 2 eggs (farm fresh preferably)
- 1/4 cup all-natural peanut butter (palm free & sweetener free)
- 1/2 cup rolled oats ground to a powder (using a pestle & mortar or clean coffee grinder)
- 3 cups brown rice flour or gluten free flour
- Preheat oven to 350°F.
- In a small bowl, combine pumpkin, eggs, & peanut butter.
- In a medium bowl, stir together oats and flour.
- Add pumpkin mixture to dry ingredients.
- Roll dough to 1/2" thick. Dough will be a little sticky. Dusting with flour makes things easier.
- Cut using your favorite cookie cutter or to make paw prints use 2.5" circle cookie cutter. Using your thumb to create paw pad and tip of finger to make toe pads.
- Bake on a cookie sheet for 30-45 mins. Cookies should be dry and crunchy. For softer cookies, use shorter baking time, recommended for older dogs with mouth/tooth issues.
- Cool on a wire rack. Store in an air tight container. Use within 7 days.
Awe shite! Were there grammatical errors or typos? Feel free to snicker to yourself about them; I'm no English major.